So this is where I was born--
River view Medical Center,
right here in beautiful downtown
Red Bank, New Jersey, on the Jersey shore,
mere miles from where I would grow up in Highlands, New Jersey.
And then later on, I'd come to live here
in my somewhat adult years.
View Askew offices are here.
Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash comic book store is here.
So I haven't gotten really far from the hospital
where I was vaginally pooped into the world.
The next big time I came back here
was almost 29 years after I was born,
when I had my kid.
I made sure we were in Los Angeles
when my wife was pregnant,
and I made sure that we got on a plane, got home
so I could have her right here
at the same hospital I was born.
She could be born a Jersey girl.
And I went through all that trouble
just so I could use her to do an intro for this DVD.
Isn't that shameless?.
I mean, I liked fucking my wife, too, but,
chiefly, it was, like, "We need somebody to be able
to kick off the Q and A."'
And she said, "All right."'
She gave me the courtesy rollover,
pulled up a cheek, and a little back insertion,
and it was all good.
And it led to this.
Hello, New Jersey!
[cheering]
I'm Jennifer Schwalbach.
And I'm Harley Quinn Smith.
And we are here to welcome you and thank you
for coming from all over the world
to celebrate the 37th birthday
of a very beloved husband and father
and, of course, filmmaker.
And now, without further ado--
[together] lntroducing Kevin Smith!
So that's who I fuck.
[laughter]
And that's what happens when I fuck.
When I was a kid,
we'd drive past this theater all the time,
and I'd be, like, "ls he related to Count Dracula??"'
I want to play you jazz.
That is, like, a ten-year-old's joke.
Still fucking works, man.
All the jokes from my childhood still kind of fucking work.
The eye cup jokes still works.
One of my favorite jokes-- If you're from the area--
If you're from out of here, you might not know Car vel--
Car vel lce Cream.
Where, basically, they ser ve soft-ser ve all the time,
and they show you, on the commercial,
- the dude where they fu-- - [audience member] Cookie!
Cookie Puss and Fudgie the Whale, yes.
Cookie Puss, which became the unfortunate misnomer
of many girls in high school.
Always attached to the fucking, like, you know,
suburban myth of "l know this chick,
and she let a dog eat a cookie out of her pussy.
A cookie.
She put a fucking chocolate chip cookie in her pussy, and the dog ate it.
We call her Cookie Puss."'
And you believe that shit 'cause you wanna believe it.
You're like, "What girl is this?.
Because if she's so fucking desperate
she'll let a dog eat a fucking cookie out of her pussy,
I got a shot, you know??"'
But if you watch the commercials for Car vel,
they always show the soft-ser ve ice cream--
the hand with the cone and shit.
They pull the fucking crank, and the ice cream twirls out and shit.
So when we were kids,
the big joke was "What's this??"'
That's Tom Car vel taking a shit.
And my material hasn't gotten much better since then.
Just variations on that theme.
Well, this is a big show for me because it's hometown.
I was born 37 years ago
from today,
a few blocks away at River view Hospital.
[cheering, applause]
That's kind of cool, man. Like, 37 years later,
I'm kind of up here sweating like a pig.
But it's wild.
I mean, I don't know.
I can't tell you where I was every other birthday in my life,
but I can tell you now where I was on my 37th birthday.
I didn't get very far.
Just a few blocks down.
I was born on August 2, 1 970.
And it wasn't my birthday.
I mean, it was technically.
But before it was my birthday, it was my brother's birthday.
My brother and I are born on the same day,
four years apart.
He was born in 1 966. I was born in 1 970.
My sister was born August 1 0, 1 965,
which, if you do the math,
my parents loved to fuck during election periods.
[laughter]
I just picture my old man being like,
"We did our civic duty. Now do your wifely duty."'
And my mother being, like, "Jesus, Don.
"Just can't we fucking ever vote
without me having to do shit with your dick??"'
And if my father was anything like me,
I'm sure he was just, like, "You don't have to do anything.
I'll just jerk off and you watch. Just--
Just look at it. Just look at my dick."'
The most shameful part of my existence is that--
the fucking plea for, like, just--
"You don't even have to touch it. Just watch me jerk off."'
But I wouldn't have a dick
without one key person in the audience.
I want to acknowledge her, 'cause I would not be here tonight
if it weren't for my mom.
So, Mom, where are you?.
[cheering, applause]
But I guess for a while,
my name wasn't gonna be my name.
My mom always told me that the day I was born,
her and my father were gonna name me Brian David.
- [Man] Yeah, Brian! - Yes.
After you, I'm sure. And--
[laughter]
And I guess somebody who had a kid on the same day as my mom--
Is this right?. Mom, where are you?.
A friend of yours had a kid also and named it Brian David.
What kind of fucking friend is that?. Like--
Are you even friends with those people anymore?.
Are you really?.
'Cause after that, I'd be, like, "Fuck you!
That was ours!"
So she looked-- What was it?.
Daddy liked the name Kevin Patrick.
Did Dad like the name Kevin Patrick?.
Not a single Kevin in our family, nor a Patrick.
My grandmother used to tell me that all the time.
She's, like, "l don't know where they got that name."'
Aren't any Kevins in the family.
'Cause a lot of our family members--
My sister Virginia is named after my Aunt Virginia.
- My brother Donald named after-- - His dad.
His father. Thank you.
Random name. And also, since we were Catholic,
it was tradition to pick a name of a saint and shit like that.
So I went with-- I got named Kevin Patrick.
And Patrick is easy. Saint Patrick.
'Cause of St. Patrick's Cathedral,
and everybody knows that.
And St. Patrick, the patron saint of lreland and shit.
Drove the snakes out of lreland.
Kevin-- Saint Kevin--
Not a lot known about him.
And for a while, when l was in Catholic school,
I was just, like, "I'm named after St. Kevin."'
And even these fucking nuns would be, like, "Who's that??"'
I was, like, "It's true. There is a St. Kevin."'
They're, like, "Yeah, right, man.
I'm sure there's a Pope Smith, too."'
So after 37 years,
I decided to fucking look up some info
and see who St. Kevin was,
and--
and it's pretty fucking retarded.
There are-- You know,
when you hear of patron saints--
If you're not Catholic, you don't know about them.
If you're Jewish, you're just, like, "Who's Jesus??"' Um--
You know,
the saints are given patron-- They're given--
Saints are considered patrons of certain things.
Like, you know, St. Lawrence is the patron saint of comedy,
'cause he was a martyr.
Most of the saints were martyred because they believed in Jesus.
All you have to do is get killed believing in Jesus.
One day, they canonize you.
You have to have a few miracles to your name,
but it helps if you died in the name of Jesus.
Which means you could be fucking,
die of a heart attack--
As long as you're, like, "Jesus"--
St. Nuts-Deep, you know.
Patron saint of dying in the midst of fucking.
So there are a bunch of them. You know, like,
St. Christopher is the patron saint of the traveler.
So when people drive around-- they're Catholic--
sometimes you'll see St. Christopher medals
on their dash and shit.
My mom used to wear one around her neck whenever we traveled.
Patron saint of traveling.
It's a picture of a dude holding a baby Jesus on his shoulder,
crossing a stream,
where you're, like, "That's all it took??"'
It's not like, you know, he's fighting fucking lions
and swinging like lndiana Jones and shit.
It was a stream this thick, and he's, like--
"I'm gonna be famous for that one day."'
St. Kevin, though--
"patron saint of crows."'
"Noted as the man
who did not always like the company of men."'
Which, to me, says
the patron saint of homophobes, you know?. Just--
"l don't like to be around dudes.
They got dicks."'
"But was at home with the animals
as some of the legends surrounding him show."'
So the patron saint of homophobia and bestiality.
Here's some of the stories they tell about St. Kevin.
"During a drought, Kevin fed his monks
with salmon brought to him by an otter."'
So, like, whenever people write, like, "Dude, don't you think
fucking Scientology is weird and stupid and crazy??"'
I just whip this out and--
I'm, like, "This is what some Catholics believe."'
"When one of the monks considered making gloves
out of the otter's pelt, it left and never returned."'
Who fucking remembered that story?.
Like, who wrote that story down, man?.
Somebody was just, like, "One time,
"he gave us a bunch of salmon that the otters brought him,
"and then one of us wanted to make it into gloves,
and then the otter ran away."'
It just sounds like the patron saint
of, like, acid flashback stories.
"Once, during Lent,
while he held his arms outstretched in prayer"--
Like that, presumably.
"A blackbird laid an egg in Kevin's hand."'
I couldn't make this up.
Uh--
"He remained in that position
until the baby bird hatched."'
Could you imagine-- All right. Like, if this happens--
You put out your hand and a bird lands in it,
Iike, that's fucking weird.
The bird lays an egg in your hand?.
Which, at first, you're, like, "Oh, my God.
The bird's shitting in my hand."'
But if you have enough presence of mind
to be like, "Oh, it's an egg."'
You know. And then the bird presumably flies away.
And then you stand there
for the entire gestation period,
waiting for that fucking egg to hatch.
I mean, I don't know much
about fucking science and shit and biology,
don't mother birds lay eggs
and sit on them for a long time?.
This dude just had the power
to have an egg drop in his hand and be, like, boop.
"Life."'
"A young man with severe epilepsy
received a vision that he would be cured by eating an apple.
There were, however, no apple trees about.
Kevin, seeing the lad's need,
"ordered a willow to produce apples.
Twenty yellow apples appeared on the tree."'
That's not true. That--
I wasn't there. This all took place in, like, 600 AD.
I cannot fucking imagine that that happened and shit.
Kevin just had the world's best publicist.
"St. Kevin's dick was 12 inches long."'
"A boar was being chased by a group of hunters with their dogs.
"lt ran to where Kevin sat, praying under a tree,
"and cowered beside him for protection.
"When the dogs saw the saint in prayer,
"they just laid on their stomachs
"and would not approach the boar.
"When the hunters decided they would ignore the man
"and kill the boar anyway,
"a flock of birds settled in the tree
"above the praying saint.
"The hunters took this as a sign
and left man and beast alone."'
What fucking hunter doesn't see a tree full of birds
and isn't like, "Shit"?.
[imitates gunfire]
Fish in a barrel.
That's my fucking namesake-- St. Kevin.
So fucking queer.
But not in that, like, awesome cocksucking way.
Just queer, meaning odd. It's strange.
So who wants to start, man?.
You ready to start?. Ready to rock it?.
[audience members whooping]
Give it up for the first guy.
[cheering, applause]
Firstie, don't fuck it up!
He's got a point, dude. Don't fuck it up.
You set the tone for the whole evening and shit.
I just wanna say Happy Birthday, first off.
Well, now you fucked up already.
Thank you very much. Let's just put a moratorium on that.
Let's all agree that it's my birthday.
Let's stop saying it.
Just to keep-- Thank you for doing it.
You're the first. You'll be the only and shit.
Like my love.
So, no "Happy Birthdays" and shit.
'Cause fuck it. It gets boring after a while.
Everyone's, like, "l just wanna say Happy Birthday."'
It's, like, "Well, I just want you to ask a fucking question."'
But thank you very much for that. Rock your question, sir.
Okay, ever since you voiced a character in Doogal,
have you ever thought of writing a children's movie?.
Something more for--
that Harley could watch on a regular basis?.
Ever since l-- Wait. What did I do?.
Doogal.
Doogal. Oh, Doogal.
That's right. I did a voice in Doogal and shit like that.
Which was strange, 'cause it was real, like, you know--
Har vey Weinstein called me up and said,
"Do you wanna do a voice in a cartoon movie??"'
I said, "God, yeah. I got a kid."'
He's like, "That's why I asked."'
He's, like, "You'll score huge Brownie points with your kid."'
I was, like, "Yeah, right on. What do I play??"'
He's, like, "A farting moose."'
I was like, "So, typecasting??"' He was like, "Pretty much."'
Have I ever thought about making a kids' movie?.
No. Even though I got a kid, I don't really think about it.
I just assume she'll start watching my movies sooner or later.
We don't keep her from the movies
'cause the language and shit like that.
She would just be totally bored by those movies.
I've tried a few times. 'Cause I'm like,
there's a joke or two in here that she might enjoy.
And I'll put it on. I let her watch the Clerks cartoon.
Even that, she was just, like, "They just keep talking."'
I was, like, "Yeah, but there's an awesome Schindler's List joke here, you know??"'
So I don't know.
I didn't really think about building a career around
making flicks for my kids.
I mean, like, Robert Rodriguez did that,
and now he's fucking so insanely wealthy.
So I guess I should've given it some thought.
But I just don't have those kind of flicks in me.
I've been threatening for years to write a children's book,
'cause I know I got a children's book in me,
and I've been saying it since the kid was born.
My wife was like, "Get around to it
"so we can read her the book.
Wouldn't it be sweet if you could read her your own book??"'
I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."'
Now the kid reads herself and shit.
She's like, "Now she can read the book herself,
so get around to writing it."'
I was like, "Yeah, yeah. Totally. Totally."'
I'm gonna wait until she's in college and shit,
and just rock her with the kids' book.
Be like, "Check it out."'
She's, like, "The Woof on the Roof.
I'm gonna go have some fucking sex with my roommate, so"--
Thanks, Silent Bob, you know.
But in terms of doing a kids' movie,
I never really thought about it.
I don't think I have the chops for that kind of thing.
Don't think, you know,
that I'm the guy that you should put in charge of a kids' movie.
'Cause there was, like, at one point, after Clerks got sold,
when we were going around touring with studios.
They were, like, "What do you wanna do after your movie gets picked up?.
"Sundance Studios wanna meet with you. Do you have an idea?.
What do you wanna do??"' Shit like that.
We went into Fox, I think it was,
and they were pitching us movies to direct,
which I thought was weird,
'cause I'm, like, "Did you see the first movie?.
You don't wanna give me a movie.
You wanna let me make something of mine
that I won't fuck up too badly."'
And the one they gave us was one of the ones they pitched us.
Which, ironically, there's a movie coming out called Hot Rod.
But it wasn't that Hot Rod.
It was a movie called Hot Rod with Michael Jackson as the star,
in which Michael Jackson hung around with a little kid.
It's a true story. This is circa 1 994, so it was still kind of okay.
Questionable.
People'd be like, "Wow, he hangs out with kids a lot."'
But not like, "Get your kids away from him," you know.
He hangs out with a kid, and he can morph into a car,
and then the kid would open the car and get inside.
And back in 1994, I was like, "l don't wanna do that."'
Now I would love to do that movie.
'Cause there's a fucking insanely good movie to make about Michael Jackson
with little boys entering him and shit.
And vice versa. Uh--
[audience groans]
Don't fuck-- Don't boo me.
I didn't fuck a kid.
[laughter, scattered applause]
Although neither did he, I guess, allegedly.
But where there's smoke, there's fire.
And where there's a hand on some kid's ass,
there's Michael Jackson.
But my kid has actually been, like, bugging me
to do stories about our dogs,
'cause that's one of the things that we share a common interest in.
'Cause she's 8 and shit,
and she loves me, and I love her,
but we're on two different wavelengths.
Don't really relate to one another
Iike the way I relate to my friends and shit.
I can't be sitting there talking to her about, like, "l got blown last night."'
You know.
"lt was all right,
but not one of the best," you know.
"What's 'blown'??"'
"Ask Mom."'
"And don't ever do it."'
But the dogs are something
that we share a common interest in.
We got this little dachshund named Shecky.
Shecky.
And she is fascinated by Shecky.
She just wants me to make a movie about the little dachshund,
because she thinks the dog is really wacky
and shit like that.
She's like, "You can make a whole movie just about Shecky."'
I'm, like, "l don't know if anybody
"but you and I would appreciate that movie.
"Even your mother would hate that movie
'cause she hates Shecky."'
Because I wasn't supposed to get the dog.
The dog was kind of a joke.
The dog grew out of a joke, man.
We were driving around-- me and Jen-- one day,
and somebody had a dog hanging out the window.
You know, you drive around, you see people with dogs
Iike this out the window.
It was a little dog-- wasn't a dachshund--
and it looked like it was belted in--
'Cause you can buy a seat belt for a dog now.
So this dog wasn't just a head out the window.
This dog was, like, two paws on the windowsill,
one leg almost over the window.
This dude was making a turn and shit,
and the dog was, like, hanging out the window.
We both saw it at the same time.
I said, "Did you fucking see that?.
"How fucked up is that?.
"That dog, like, looks like he's falling out of the car.
The dog's like"--
And nothing I say makes my wife laugh-- very little--
so when she laughs, I tend to fucking, like,
run it into the ground and shit.
Kind of like the way I run my career.
So she laughed at it and shit,
and so it just grew from there.
She was like, "That's so funny.
Why does he make that noise??"'
I didn't wanna tell her that's the noise
that fucking R2-D2 makes when he's shot.
So I just took credit for it, you know.
I was like, "l wrote that."'
And that was the dog--
She was just like, "That's so funny.
I was like, "Can you just see fucking Shecky hanging out the window??"'
And she fucking thought that was brilliant.
She was like, "Why is the dog named Shecky?.
I've never heard that before."'
I was like, "That's a real name. You never heard Shecky??"'
She's like, "No."' She thought it was fucking hysterical.
So every time I want to make her laugh, I'd bring up a Shecky story.
Then I was like, "We should just fucking get a Shecky."'
'Cause we got dogs, right?. We got two yellow labs.
One is named Mulder. One's named Scully.
A little gay, but whatever.
And then we went and got a chocolate lab one day named Louie.
And so we had three dogs already-- three labs.
They're all kind of--
Not huge dogs, but big dogs. Normal-sized dogs.
The idea of having a hot dog-- a wiener dog--
Which, you know-- Look, I love dogs.
And that kind of looks like Shecky.
Except she's not blue.
But I always wanted a little dog.
Not so I can carry it around like Paris Hilton and shit,
but just to have, like a little dog,
'cause I thought, like--
There was a book we read to Harley called Big Dog and Little Dog.
It's about a very large dog that hangs out with a very little dog.
Go figure.
And there was one version of the book
called Big Dog and Little Dog Wearing Sweaters.
That was the name of the whole fucking book.
I used to love reading the kid that book,
'cause what a great title that was and shit.
That's the title on the very first page.
Big Dog and Little Dog are Wearing Sweaters.
Like that's their whole day-- pimpin' around in sweaters.
So I was, like, "We should get a little dog,
'cause then we'll finally have Big Dog and Little Dog and shit.
And the wife just wouldn't hear about it.
I was, like, "Come on, man. Like, a dog named Shecky.
A little dachshund named Shecky. A wiener dog named Shecky.
How awesome is that??"' She's like,
"Maybe if one of these other dogs die, sure.
"But right now, we got three dogs.
"You don't need a fucking fourth dog,
"especially if it's just for a punch line to a joke
that wasn't that funny to begin with."'
I was like, "You laughed."'
So one day, the wife was going out of town.
A friend of hers was having a baby shower and shit,
and she was leaving me with the kid.
And I was testing the waters and shit.
I was, like, "When you're gone,
we're gonna go out and get a Shecky."'
She was, like, "Don't fucking do it, Kevin!
"I'm serious. I do not wanna come home to a fucking dog.
Don't buy another dog."'
I was like, "l wouldn't fucking do that.
I'm just busting your nonexistent fucking balls."'
So brought her to the airport-- me and the kid in the car.
Dropped her off on the curb,
and one hour like, "Love you. Bye."'
Door closed. I was like, "Let's go get Shecky."'
That's what the kid is awesome for.
The kid is just an awesome little fucking devil on your shoulder
that's super-supportive of all your worst instincts.
Where you're just like, "Let's get fucking ice cream."'
She's like, "Yeah!"
So I was like, "Let's go get Shecky."'
She's like, "I'm right behind you, Pop."' You know.
So we hightail it to the fucking mall.
You'd imagine I would've learned,
because I bought a mall dog before.
Mall dogs just not great dogs and shit.
First dog we got was Scully.
We got her 'cause Jen got pregnant.
We were talking.
I was like, "l don't know if I'd be a good father.
I've never really taken care of anything in my life."'
She was like, "Me, neither."'
I was like, "Maybe we should get a dog to see-- you know,
"to train as parents and shit.
You could, like, breastfeed and whatnot."'
I can take pictures, put it up on the Web.
Lucrative bestiality market.
So we decided to go out and get a dog.
She's like, "We gotta get yellow labs, 'cause I grew up with a yellow lab.
Yellow labs are great around children.
That's the kind of dog we gotta get."'
I was so excited, 'cause I've never had a dog in my life.
Had cats.
One day, a cat followed me home and shit like that,
which was awesome.
We were never allowed to have pets. I was about 1 3.
This cat just hung out on the front steps of our house.
It was kind of grown-up and shit.
So I kept feeding it.
Finally, I said to my parents,
"Can't we just let this cat in the house??"'
They were like, "Maybe it's time he had a pet.
"He's fucking 13,
and he's interested in pussy, so this counts."'
So we got that cat.
That led to another cat. That led to another cat.
We had five cats in the house.
So we went from having no pets--
just a barren wasteland of pets--
to having five cats in the house.
We became "the cat house" in town.
Cats are great, but they're just not--
They have no use for you until you feed them.
Other than that, they're just, like, very independent.
They're not like a dog
who'll come up and slobber all over your face.
Man's best friend.
Cats are just, like, man's complacent roommate.
So--
It went far with the cats, too, for some reason.
Like, my father, in his retired years, used to work at the post office.
He'd finally retired,
and then he had nothing to do during the day.
One of the things he used to do,
and hated doing but did it religiously--
There were cats outside the house
'cause we had cats inside,
so other neighborhood cats would hang out near our house.
They didn't seem to be owned by anybody,
and I started feeding them.
So whatever leftovers we had-- put out for the cats.
And then it gradually grew into an army of 27 cats.
No lie, dude. Like, you hear about the families--
Like, "That's a house that has 27 cats."'
That was our fucking house.
People are, like, "That house smells like cat urine."'
My house.
My old man, like, every day at 3:00 and shit like that,
would kind of get this dishwashing bucket.
Big plastic dishwashing bucket. Tupperware-type thing.
A trough, like, this big. Fill it full of, like,
fucking any kind of cheap dog food
we'd get at the food store,
stale bread, water, any leftover meats and shit.
Grind it up with his fucking hands,
bitching about it the whole time.
"These fucking cats.
I hate this shit, Grace. I hate these cats."'
And nobody ever made him do it.
It wasn't like my mother was like, "You'll feed those cats,
or no anal for you."'
It was nothing like that.
He just fucking did it. That was his thing.
But he hated doing it. But he did it every day.
I would always have to open the door for him.
He's like, "Go get the fucking door. Open the door."'
And he'd fucking wrestle with this big bucket full of cat shit,
bring it outside, put it downstairs.
And, like, out of nowhere, like fucking ninjas,
27 cats just appeared.
Went around the trough just fucking eatin'.
It was fucking insane, dude, to watch.
And he would bitch about it the whole way. "Fucking cats.
"One day, something's gonna happen. They'll all be gone.
I can't fucking wait."' Never occurred to him--
Just stop feeding them, dude. They're only hanging out
'cause they know at 3:00 every day,
they're gonna get a meal.
Just stop feeding the fucking cats.
But I think he secretly loved it.
Then we had a big flood
right when we were supposed to start shooting Clerks.
I think we were supposed to start shooting Clerks
in December of '92.
'91?. '92?. '92.
There was a big nor'easter storm we had on the East Coast.
Our town, Highlands, was kind of below sea level to begin with.
The town flooded. We had tons of water in our house.
And killed all the fucking cats.
It was kind of sad, but it was also kind of fucking funny.
'Cause they had nowhere to go.
They all lived in our yard and other people's yards.
After the floodwater subsided--
'Cause it was up to here in my house-- the water.
We had a ranch house--
When you hear ranch house,
you're like, "Wow, you had horses??"' No.
"Did you have a lot of property??"' Not at all.
A ranch house is just a one-floor house.
So we had water up to here in our house and whatnot.
So I was sloshing around in the house in fucking water.
So anybody outside on four legs was just, like-- You know.
Trying to fucking keep their head above water and shit.
When the water subsided,
we would be finding cats for the next month.
We'd find cats-- It's a true story.
It's sad but kind of funny.
Uh, neighbors would be like,
"We found five of your cats under our house."'
We'd be like, "Well, those weren't technically our cats.
They were just cats outside that we fed a lot."'
The neighbor's like, "Yeah, that makes them your cats.
"Could you fucking get a Hefty bag and get them out of there, please??"'
There was one cat across the street--
Like, was climbing onto a fence--
Not like a chain link fence,
but, like, covered in wire and shit.
I don't know what they call those kinds of fences.
Look like a waffle kind of.
He had one paw linked in
and the other paw grasping onto the top,
and he had bitten onto the fence with his mouth.
So he was like-- Dead. Frozen like that.
So the rigor had set in.
My mother's like, "Get that cat off the fence."'
I was, like, "Why me, man?. They're not my cats."'
She's like, "They're not my cats, either."'
I'm like, "They're Dad's cats."'
She's like, "You gonna tell your father to take that dead cat off the fence?.
He's finally got some fucking peace."'
So I had to go over and try to take the cat off.
The cat had just become part of the fence.
It was fucking rock solid and shit. Just--
Eyes open in terror. Just--
Looking at me like, "Why didn't you save me from the flood?.
"You could've opened your door, man. You feed us.
There's a responsibility. We were yours."'
I'm like, "You weren't mine.
We have cats inside. I'm sorry. We couldn't take all"--
Having a discussion with a dead cat on a fence.
So never had a dog. So, finally,
Jen gets pregnant and whatnot.
I'm, like, what a great idea. Get a dog.
I can finally do dog, like I never had.
So we went to the Menlo Park Mall, go to the pet store,
and we're like, "Do you guys have any yellow labs?.
We're looking for a yellow lab puppy."'
The lady's like, "Oh, we have one. Over there."'
We go down the line. There's all cute little dogs and shit.
And there's this one dog which kind of looks like
it was painted to be a yellow lab.
The biggest dog in the place,
Iike it had gotten there when it was a puppy,
and people just kept passing it over and passing it over.
So it was in this little cage that they put the puppies in,
but was now, like, kind of an adolescent dog.
So it was like this.
"Can you take me out?.
You have any interest in a fucking yellow lab??"'
So we're like, "Let's look at that dog."'
Opened the cage, that dog, like--
Like we'd invented fucking breathing and dog food.
The dog was all over us.
Just so in love instantly and shit.
It was the only one there. We were kind of impulse buying.
We're like, " All right, I guess we should get her,"
but she's bigger than a puppy."'
And I'd never had experience with puppies.
But I was like, "ls this how big they come out??"'
Jen's, like, "No. Usually they're small and lovable.
Not like this."'
So we got her anyway and took her home.
Tried her on for about a week.
After a week, we were both like, "This sucks."'
Like, this thing's needy and shit.
Like, wants to eat, wants to go out,
wants to play.
Let's get another dog.
That way, this dog could play with that dog
and leave us the fuck alone.
Excellent training for parenthood.
So we decided to go get another dog.
This time, we weren't gonna buy it at the mall.
'Cause this one was slightly retarded.
Aside from just being oversized and whatnot,
Scully's just not right in the head, man.
She's just really fucking dumb.
Some dogs are kind of goofy dumb,
but yellow labs are supposed to be real smart.
They're the dogs they train to drag blind people around.
This dog you would never want to hook up with a blind person.
Or a living person. Just not--
Not real good at anything and just always has
a dopey fucking expression on her face.
Like, full of love but just full of shit, too.
Just real-- Just-- [silly noises]-- You know.
That's my impression of Scully.
Just dumber than a box of rocks.
So we decided, I guess,
maybe the mall dog's a bad idea, man,
'cause this one's stupid,
and she shits where she shouldn't.
You're supposed to train them to do that.
We didn't know that.
But that's not what made her stupid.
She was just fucking born retarded.
I don't think she was a yellow lab.
We kept asking the person at the pet store,
"Are you sure this is a yellow lab??"'
She's like, "Oh, yes. Lab-like. It's yellow."'
She's definitely some kind of crossbred dog. Not full lab.
'Cause then we finally met what a real lab is.
We decided not to go back to the pet store and get another dog.
We decided to look for a breeder's kennel.
There's one in Middletown, on the highway, I always pass.
"Breeders Kennel. Certified Puppies. Pedigreed Puppies."'
So we went in to get that dog.
Now, I was fucking blown away when we bought Scully,
because the dog was 600 bucks.
I was just, like, who the fuck pays for dogs?.
Because don't they just throw that shit away
at the A.S. P.C.A. or whatever?.
Like, at the kennel--
If the dogcatcher picks up a dog,
they hang out for a week.
If they don't get adopted, they chuck them out.
You'd imagine we can just go get one for free.
Jen was just like, "Yellow labs--
"They don't chuck out yellow labs.
You gotta go buy dogs like that."'
So when I went to the pet store and bought Scully,
and they said, "600 bucks,"
I was like, "You're out of your fucking mind.
I can go get fucking 16 dogs for less than that, man.
Ones they're just gonna burn in a week, so"--
[audience members] Aww!
I hate to break it to you,
but that's what they do with those dogs.
Everyone's just, like, "Oh, the puppy kennel and shit."'
If they don't fucking get rid of them, they're, like--
But all dogs go to heaven, so it all works out.
So I was like, "600 bucks, man! Come on."'
She's like, "This is training for parenthood, so 600 bucks--
What are you worried about?. 600 bucks is nothing."'
I was like, "Yeah, you're right. 600 bucks, I guess. Whatever."'
So I was going into the kennel
expecting to pay roughly the same fucking thing.
Maybe less, because this dog would be smaller than Scully,
'cause Scully was already almost half grown-up.
So we went in, and they had these beautiful little lab puppies
that are, like, this big and shit like that.
You could just put them in your mouth,
you love them so much.
I love you.
Bunch of them skittering around and shit.
Just all dopey, running into one another, playing and shit.
Jen found one, picked it up. Said, "Oh, I love this one."'
It was a little boy. We had a girl,
so we're like, "Let's get a boy."'
We had a Scully. Let's get a Mulder.
So she was like, "This is the one I want."'
I was like, "Right on."'
So took it up to the counter, slapped it up there.
"How much??"'
Chick was like, "$6,000."'
I was like, "You are out of your fucking mind, man!
I just bought a dog for 600 bucks just like this!"
She's like, "Not like this. This is a pedigreed dog
"bred by two completely separate--
"Not inbred, doesn't come from a puppy farm.
"They will have no hip dysphasia.
"They will be able to make your coffee in the morning.
"This dog was bred for success.
"This is the perfect fucking dog,
"and you pay for quality.
"That's what this dog costs. If you don't want it, fine.
Somebody else will buy it."'
And Jen I hadn't known too long at this point.
We were only in the second month of our relationship.
So I'm looking over at her, and she's, like-- You know.
I don't wanna be the guy
who's like, "You can't buy that fucking dog!
Let's get out of here!" You know.
So I was just like, "All right. Fucking fine."'
So I shelled out for the fucking dog.
Worth every penny.
Just insane-- insane how fucking good that dog is.
Mulder is an amazing fucking dog.
Mulder's the most human fucking dog, I think,
that has ever fucking lived.
You know, like they talk about Lassie.
Be, like, "Timmy's in what?. Timmy's in the well??"'
Lassie's a made-up character.
Fucking Mulder is real.
Based on a made-up character, but...
But just so insanely fucking smart.
And so empathetic and shit like that,
knows your moods and whatnot.
We can fucking get Mulder away from doing bad things
just by going "Ooh."'
Mulder use to do something remotely bad,
and we'd be like, "Ooh," and he'd be like, "Oh."'
And not fucking cower in fear
Iike he's gonna get hit, but just be--
you know, Mulder would be jumping up on the couch,
and we'd be like, "Ooh."'
We didn't even yell,
Iike, "Mulder, get off the fucking couch!"
We'd just be like, "Ooh," and he would be like...
And just sulk in shame and shit.
Like, "I'm better than this."'
"You're right. I shouldn't be up on the fucking couch.
"That's my bad.
"Can I do something to make it up to you?.
Here's your $6,000 back."'
He's just a fucking good dog, man.
Real fucking good.
You know, so good that he makes the other one
Iook even fucking worse and shit.
Where you're just like,
"Oh, you're just-- You are fucking--
"You are a golden gift from the Lord Himself.
"What the fuck happened to you?.
Take a page out of this guy's book."'
And for years, we had Scully and Mulder.
And Scully we had fixed and shit
because we didn't want to have any puppies.
Mulder we didn't have fixed
because he never showed an interest in sex whatsoever.
And if you spend your whole life with Scully,
it's easy to know why.
Because I'm sure he's just like, "I'm not gonna fuck her.
She's retarded."'
Never showed an interest in sex,
and we never had to have him fixed.
Mulder got to keep his nuts and shit.
And I guess for labs
you're supposed to get rid of their nuts because it helps--
I mean, if they have their nuts,
cancer kind of breeds better or something.
I don't know. You hear some shit.
But I was like, "Let him have his nuts.
He's got nothing else in life.
"He's not allowed on the couch,
"We're always 'oohing' at him and shit.
Just let him keep his goddamn balls."'
And it was never a problem.
He never tried to fuck Scully, never showed an interest.
Other girl dogs walked past and shit,
he was never like "uhh," you know.
Just asexual as a motherfucker.
The only time he showed any interest in sex whatsoever,
Eliza Dushku came to our house with a dog and it was her dog,
and it was a boy dog...
Yeah!
And Mulder was all over that fucking dog, man.
Not just sniffing its ass, but just like...
And we were like, "Mulder's gay."'
You know?.
He has no interest in Scully, he wants to fuck this boy dog.
But I'm sure he was just like, "My options are limited.
"It's fuck her or fuck him.
And I'll fuck him because that sucks."'
Never showed an interest in sex beyond that fucking dog,
and that dog wasn't around very much,
so it never occurred to us to get him fixed or anything like that.
We just thought he was over it,
because at this point he was seven, almost eight years old.
And so we thought he was beyond sex.
When we got Louis-- Louis was a girl dog.
Louis was like a fucking post-New Year's Eve party purchase
on January 1 st.
This is the danger of opening a mall on New Year's Day.
Sitting around, kind of hung over--
me and Jen and Shay talking about dogs
and like, "Wouldn't it be great to get a chocolate lab??"'
[imitates inhaling]
[stoned voice] "lt would.
"'Cause it would be like
a reverse Oreo thing going on."'
And after two hours of fucking drunken,
hung-over, high discussion about getting another dog,
Jen was just like, "Let's do it!
We're adults now. Let's get another dog."'
And I was like, I can't believe she's saying this.
It would have been more-- less shocking if she had said,
"Let's me, you, and Shay fuck right now."'
I would have believed that.
For her to say, like, "Let's get a third dog,"
I was just like, "What are you, fucking high??"'
And she was.
Louis turned out okay, and Jen was like,
"That's it. Three dogs. No more," and shit.
So Jen takes off.
I say to Harley, "Let's go buy Shecky."'
We go to the pet store--
same pet store where we bought Louis the mall dog--
they had one dachshund girl.
And I didn't want to get a boy because, you know,
they fucking piss all over and shit like that.
It's like, "Let's get a girl."'
So we went and got a girl and shit.
And we're playing with her.
You know, you get to test drive it in the store.
Playing with the dog,
and the kid's like, "l love her.
I love Shecky!" and shit like that.
I was like, "l love her, too. This is gonna be awesome.
Thank God your mother's not here."'
Jen called on my cell phone to tell me she had landed.
Because she was only going to San Francisco.
So I was like, "Hello??"' She was like, "Hey, I'm here."'
I was like, "Great. You're safe?.
Was it a good trip??"' She's like, "Yeah."'
In the background you just hear "Yip."'
And she was like, "What was that?.
And I was like, "That's Mulder.
"lt didn't sound like Mulder.
And I was like, "No. It totally is."'
She's like, "Where's Harley??"' I was like, "Harley's here."'
And Harley's like, "l love you, Shecky.
And she's like, "Did she just say 'Shecky'??"'
She was like, "You're not fucking buying another dog, are you??"'
And I was like, "Well, not yet."'
She's like, "You went to the fucking pet store.
You're at the pet store right now."'
I was like, "No. We're just looking."'
She's like, "You can look all you want, Kevin.
Do not bring another dog home."'
I was like, "l won't, man. I won't."'
She said, "You're buying it, aren't you??"'
And I was waiting for the chick to hand my credit card back.
'Cause my wife's got big ears and they're finely tuned, man.
She can hear the swiping of a credit card.
And she's like, "l can't fucking believe you."'
I said, "lt'll be fine. Don't worry about it, man.
"I'm not really going through with it.
It was just an exercise for the kid because it's funny."'
And she's like, "Don't bring that dog home."'
I was like, "l won't."'
Hung up, put the dog in a box to travel home.
Immediately, it just started yelping.
And I was like, "Fuck.
Why is this dog so needy??"'
So I was like, "You gotta hold Shecky, Harley,
"because she's all barking and shit,
and she don't want to be in that box.
She's scared, maybe, or something."'
She's like, "Well, I don't want to hold it. She's scratchy."'
And I was like, "l thought you had my fucking back an hour ago, man."'
You wanted Shecky and we were gonna have fun
and make fun of her and shit, you know?.
Because that the whole reason to get a hot dog dog--
just to point at them and be like, "lsn't that fucked up??"'
We didn't even get a real dachshund.
We got a miniature dachshund, which I didn't know.
I just saw the sign that said "dachshund."'
I was like, "Give me that."'
And when I got home,
and Jen was just like, "This is really small."'
I was like, "Well, it's a puppy."'
She's like, "Well, it's two months old.
It should be bigger than this."'
I'm like, "l don't know.
They're wiener dogs. How big can they get??"'
"Look at her. Isn't it fucked up??"'
She's like, "Give me the receipt."'
She's like, "This is a miniature dachshund."'
I'm like, "What does that mean?.
Aren't they all small when they come out??"'
She's like, "lt means it'll never get bigger than this.
I was like, "You're fucking shitting me.
You see how small this dog is??"'
You can literally put Shecky in your mouth.
Not the whole dog,
but just the head would be popping out like...
So I was like, "Jesus Christ."'
I fucked up and I got a dog that's never gonna get big.
A defective fucking weird little dog.
Boundless fucking energy,
won't leave the other fucking dogs alone.
Won't leave us alone and shit like that.
Loves fucking Mulder.
Loves to jump up and grab Mulder's ears.
She jumps up, grabs his ear, bites,
and then falls to the ground.
So Mulder spends most of his day like this.
You know, just--
And Mulder tries to put on a mean face.
Every once in a while
you'll see him put on a mean face where he goes "Uhh,"
but she don't buy it.
So she lives to torment the dog,
is constantly biting his face,
constantly biting, jumping,
grabbing his hair, falling down,
and yanking hair out of his body and shit.
And he was has this look of, "Dude, I'm in my golden years.
"You really had to bring this home?.
This is fucking horrible."'
But Mulder got his fucking revenge
in a weird way
because Shecky was too little to get fixed
when we got the dog.
You see where it's going, don't you?.
And suddenly, the dog
that never showed interest in sex in his life
turned into Jason Mewes overnight.
It was fucking crazy.
Mulder never had anything but disregard
for that little dog,
except to try to swat her away and shit.
One day, Shecky went into heat.
And I didn't know what that was,
because Scully was fixed, Louis was fixed.
I had never seen a dog go into heat and shit.
Started seeing little blood drops around the house.
And I was like, "What is it?.
And she was like, "She's in heat."'
I was like, "Ew, she's having a dog period??"'
"Well, fucking stick a tampon up there, man."'
But you couldn't stick a tampon in Shecky.
It would just blow her up three times the size she is.
She's like, "That's not how it works.
We have to get this dog fixed."'
And we took the dog to the vet.
The vet's like, "You can't fix her now.
She's in heat.
You gotta wait till heat's over."'
I was like, "God damn it."'
So we're running around with towels,
cleaning up after Shecky and shit
when she makes her little blood droplets.
But Mulder smelled fucking sex in the air, you know?.
That's how it works, I guess.
I had never seen him behave like--
I swear to God it was Jekyll and Hyde.
He went from being the calmest dog in the world
to just being humping anything that that dog was near,
including trying to hump that dog.
He spent two weeks trying to--
desperately trying to fuck that dog.
Now, Mulder stands about this tall
and he's a full-grown yellow lab.
Shecky is as big as this microphone.
No, really. This is not a bad artist's rendering.
You put two legs here, two legs here,
and a tail that stands up and crooks at the end,
that's fucking Shecky.
So something that big tried to fuck something that small.
And you couldn't stop him, man.
He was a man on a fucking mission and shit.
You put him outside the door-- the first time he ever did it--
he started fucking scratching on the bedroom door all desperately.
You open the door and be like, "Can I help you?.
He'd shoot past you
and immediately go to fucking Shecky
and stick his nose up her ass.
And we're like, "Dude, stop it.
That's just not-- You can't do that.
That dog's too little" and shit.
He didn't know the meaning of too little.
He did not accept it and shit.
He just hunted that fucking dog.
And everyone kept saying, "You gotta keep him away.
Keep him away from fucking Shecky because she's in heat" and whatnot.
"Since you can't get her fixed, keep her in her cage."'
So we'd put her in her cage.
She had a little cage like this that she slept in at night,
and the little latch that closes it.
But open and shit. Not a plastic thing.
It just looked like a little jail cell.
Put Shecky in it, and we're like,
"At least if she's in the cage, he can't get to her,
so we can let Mulder back into the room."'
Right to the cage.
He started humping the fucking cage, man.
And Shecky's pinned on the other wall, like...
"What the fuck's going on?.
What is that red thing??"'
It's true, man. I had never seen Mulder's red thing.
I saw it a bunch over the two weeks, man.
My man was just always unsheathed and ready to go.
And I don't know how it fucking works,
but it looks like it's already sticky with cum to begin with.
I don't know if dogs reach a point
where "Uhh" and there's an orgasm,
or it's just like, "It's always cum time, baby.
Let me just get it up there."'
All over that fucking cage, man. It was insane.
We were like, "Mulder, show some fucking dignity."'
He's like, "l fucking--
You don't know how badly I want to."'
Like, "l wish."'
He's going, "You can 'ooh' me to death right now,
"and it wouldn't affect me. I know better than this,
"but I need to fuck that little dog, man.
"This ain't me. This is fucking nature.
"You can't fucking stand between me and pussy.
Not now, not for the next two weeks.
You better shoot me now
because I'm gonna fuck that little dog
before it's all over.
We left fucking him and her in her cage,
in the room, had to go out and shit,
came back, the cage is just caked in fucking semen.
Almost as if he was standing outside the cage,
just like, "Look at it."'
"I'll be back in an hour."'
And she would have fucking-- I don't know what it was--
because, again, I've never watched a dog come.
It's like there's dog porn where he's like...
and shoots on another dog's back.
It's just--
Generally that happens inside, and you know what happens.
But she had shit matted all over her
that was awfully cakey and fucking white.
So it was just a fucking horror show for a while.
And then, fucking one day, we came home
and somebody didn't put Shecky in the fucking cage.
Nobody saw it, don't know what the fuck happened.
Shecky, whose vag I had never noticed,
was dragging 4 inches
down to the floor behind her.
Shecky had the biggest labia I've ever seen in my life.
All of a sudden, you could find Shecky easy
because there were snail trails to follow.
It was fucking crazy.
And I was like, "What's all this??"'
And then the trail led to fucking Shecky,
who's just fucking laying there like--
[panting]
And she's got lips hanging out longer than her tail, man.
I'm like, "Has the dog always had this big a pussy??"'
And Jen was like, "Let me s-- Oh, my God! He fucked her!"
"Mulder, why'd you fuck her??"'
And Mulder's just sitting there like,
"You don't have to fucking berate me.
"I'm hating myself right now.
"You don't understand how much I hate that little dog,
but I had to fuck it.
"You guys let her out of the cage, and we did it.
And sorry, but I'll do it again if you don't stop me."'
And Jen got-- Jen's a real feminist and shit.
She just don't like men very much, which is--
I think she only married me because my dick's so small,
I might as well not be a dude.
Might as well be a chick.
She hates men,
and she's always looking for more reasons to hate men,
and she's like, "He raped that little dog.
Just like all men do. He's a little rapist."'
And I was like, "When a dog fucks another dog, it's not really rape.
That's what they do and shit. I don't think Shecky--"
"You think Shecky wanted this?. Look at her!"
To be honest, she didn't look like she wanted it.
The dog looked fucking shell-shocked like you read about.
It was just like, "Something as big as me entered me?.
"Left, came back, kept making up its mind
whether to come in and go,
"and dropped a load and walked away.
What the fuck??"'
And Mulder was just sitting there like,
"There's fucking payback for biting my ears all those times."'
But just full of shame. You could tell he hated himself.
Sometimes you fuck someone and you're like,
"Oh, God. Why did I fuck that person??"'
And you'll go back and do it again
because they're willing to give it up for free and shit.
And you're like-- Every time you're in the middle of fucking,
"l hate myself for fucking this person, but I wanna come."'
That's what Mulder was.
He was just a beast that wanted to fucking come and shit.
Hating every minute of it,
just like, "l can't stand that little dog,
but I'm sorry, I had to bust a nut in her."'
And it was fucking horrifying, just horrifying to look at.
And then the horrifying notion set in
that maybe he impregnated her.
At first, I was just like, "That can't happen.
He's a lab, she's a dachshund."'
I talked to a dog trainer friend of mine.
He was like, "What are you, fucking stupid?.
"You think breeds can't cross breeds?.
"It's a dog, man.
A dog fucks another dog, little dogs come out."'
And I was just like, oh, my God.
I don't want to see the product of this unholy union.
'Cause you have a lab, a good-sized lab,
and a tiny fucking miniature dachshund.
I just pictured a little dog--
a tiny dog body, massive lab head.
So big it can't even support it.
Just always...
head pinned to the ground,
and the body just kind of walks around it.
Never able to move, just looking at me with these eyes of like,
"Why'd you let him fuck her?.
Kill me now."'
So we were worried
that we were going to have to take the dog to get an abortion,
which brought up all sorts of unethical and ethical questions where I was just like,
"Look, I'm pro-choice, but this is kind of--
Shouldn't we ask her how she feels??"'
So he fucked that little dog, man,
and it made life really uncomfortable
in our house for a long time
because it's not pretty
when you're fucking sitting on the bed,
and the little dog jumps up on the bed,
and then it takes about two minutes
for the rest of her to get on the bed,
because her lips are still dangling on the floor and shit.
And then she kind of goes back to normal afterwards.
She doesn't dwell on it as much as you do.
I would just obsess on it
and think about, like, "That's so fucked up, man.
How'd it happen??"'
I mean, I know how it happened,
but like, "Why weren't we here to videotape it??"'
'Cause if it's gonna happen, I wanted to fucking see it.
And I did feel a little bad for her until fucking later in the week
I caught her fucking coming on to the dude.
Because for a while, it just seemed like he was agro
and crazy for her and shit.
"Do you fucking smell that in the air?.
That sex?. I want to fuck."'
And you could, after a while, smell the fucking scent like--
you know, dog, female dog, give off that weird scent,
and it was fucking powerful.
It didn't make me want to fuck her, but it was--
it was pretty fucking powerful.
I thought it was just him attracted to the scent
and she wanted no part of him.
He'd fucked her, he'd got it out of his system.
I was like, "We don't have to keep her in the cage anymore
because it ain't gonna happen again.
She knows how to defend herself now. She knows what to expect.
If he starts coming at her with the red thing,
she's gonna run away.
Sitting on the bed, watching TV, typing on the computer.
I look over, Mulder's laying on his fucking little dog bed.
Shecky, you always hear padding around.
She's got these nails, walks on the wood floor,
and she's got a little bell on her collar, so you hear her coming.
Walked right over to Mulder and fucking presented.
So bizarre. Walked over to him,
turned her ass to him, just went like this.
And not even came over to him, "Hey, you want to play??"'
Literally stuck her ass up in the air at his fucking face.
So sexy that I was like, "l might fuck her, dude,"
If my wife came over to the bed to me,
and was just like, "Hello."'
I'd be like, "Oh, Jesus Christ!"
I grabbed Shecky and I was like, "Get in the fucking cage, you slut. Stop it."'
And then, fucking she went out of heat, and they acted like nothing happened.
So, fuck, you'd imagine that they would fucking hold
a little bit of ill feelings toward one another or just like,
"Remember that time when you fucked me and you're just so big and I'm so little,
and, like, you thought like I would just disappear essentially,
or I'd become like a condom for your cock."'
A German condom, you know.
But they just went back to normal.
She went out of heat and shit,
and suddenly that little dog just behaved
the same way that she always behaved with Mulder and shit--
just jumping up and grabbing his ears,
and he was always like this.
He'd look at me with those forlorn eyes.
I'd be like, "Fuck you, buddy. That's your girlfriend."'
So I've talked to my kid about doing that as a movie,
but it doesn't really--
I don't know if it would work.
- Thank you. - Thank you, sir.
How are you, sir?.
Excellent. How are you, sir?.
Very well. A little sweaty, but okay.
- Same here. - Right on.
First of all, I will suck your dick off if you answer my question.
[audience whoops]
Where were you when l was single, man?. Like--
Where were even the male overtures
of "I'll suck your cock for something simple."'
Right on, man.
Now I'm married. It'd be weird.
I'm not gay, but for you anything.
That's kinda cool. You don't--
Look, cock sucking and gay are not the same things.
My question for you is what is your favorite moment
in your entire career-- like, working in movies,
writing scripts, writing comic books, acting--
Do you have a moment
where you look back on your entire career up to this point
and say, "Now, that was awesome"?.
Yeah. Shit. Tons.
- I mean-- - [audience member] Now suck him!
[laughter, applause]
All right, let's go. Let's go.
Technically, he's right, dude.
"Yeah, sure" is definitely an answer to that question.
So you're saying you really want your dick sucked right now
is what you're saying.
I'm kinda--
- [audience groans] - What?.
I'm preoccupied at the moment.
However, if you can kind find somebody else to suck off,
I would love to sit here, watch, and jerk off.
No. No.
I won't do it.
Just one dude. Just sit up here, just--
This place would fall fucking silent, dude.
It would be amazing.
You know how many copies of the DVD we'd sell?.
"l liked that Superman story from the first one,
"but this dude, like, got up and sucked another dude off,
"and it was fucking riveting.
"And the fucking Clerks guy just sat there
and jerked off onto their faces."'
"His kid was crying backstage.
"His wife had a puzzled expression.
I think his mother just left."'
Anyway.
Since it's not going to happen
because you seem fucking unwilling...
I don't have any volunteers.
[audience member] Ask him a new question!
He doesn't have to ask a new question.
It was a good question.
Just he, you know--
He buried the lead a little bit.
He was just like, "I'm gonna ask this question
and then try to forget about the offer for cock sucking."'
Actually, you didn't bury the lead.
You came up right in front and said,
"l will suck your cock if you answer this."'
That's not burying the lead, that's starting strong.
You finished weak, though.
'Cause finishing strong would have been like--
[slurping noises]
Anyway, what was my favorite moment of my entire career?.
Is that it?. The big moment?.
The moment that I was like, "Ah."'
Honestly, every day has been kind of like that
since the moment that we got into Sundance.
Even when we were making Clerks, it was kind of cool.
"l can't believe I'm doing this because l don't normally do this kind of shit."'
Clerks II was a big highlight for me.
And I know some cats didn't dig on it.
Most cats seemed to dig on it. It kind of worked.
I love that fucking movie,
and it was just such a great experience
from the moment I started writing it
to the moment we fucking took it to Cannes,
got a standing ovation.
Even the theatrical release I was happy with.
Just couldn't have been better.
But just full of wonderful things from day one.
It was awesome, under great fucking circumstances.
We got to make it really cheaply,
so nobody was around to fuck with us,
nobody was just like, "Put J-Lo in it."'
Nothing like that.
Went off and shot it.
The only sad thing is we didn't shoot it here.
We shot some of the stuff here.
All the Quick Stop stuff, obviously.
But the majority of it,
all the stuff that was shot at the movies,
we shot in Long Beach.
Just outside of Long Beach. Buena Park, it's called.
Right across the street from Knott's Berry Farm in California.
Because we were looking for a place to shoot--
We needed a fast food joint, because otherwise,
we were gonna have to build one from scratch.
And building a fast food joint would have been cost prohibitive
based on our budget.
So we had to find a closed-down fast food joint
which, in the United States of America, is fucking impossible to do.
You cannot find a closed fast food joint, man,
because fucking the moment one of them shutters,
if they ever shutter,
another one swoops in and buys it,
and fucking opens up and shit.
We had one place, actually, out here
which we were looking at, and we're like, shit,
it's closing, we're gonna go get it,
and a fucking Wendy's just pimped in and were like, "Fuck you.
We're gonna Biggie size it," and just took it over.
Instantly! Just fucking right out from under us.
So there was a delay in shooting because we couldn't find
a fucking fast food joint to shoot at.
And finally, we found one in Buena Park
where somebody built a Burger King off the beaten path.
You know how you go to Great Adventure and shit out here,
and as you drive down the strip--
Whoo, Great Adventure.
You drive down the strip, there's, like, McDonald's,
there's a bunch of mini malls, gas stations,
people put up attractions and shit like that
because they know you gotta pass it to get to Great Adventure,
so you're going to patronize their bus--
better chance of patronizing their business.
Same thing in Knott's Berry Farm.
There's this big street and there are a bunch of shit
that has been built up around Knott's Berry Farm.
Knott's Berry Farm is apparently the first amusement park in America,
and places have built up around it.
Because they see people come crowd to that place, they're like,
"Fuck it. We're gonna build shit."'
So they built a Medieval Times there,
they built a Pirates Adventure Theater,
you got your fucking McDonald's,
you got a Hollywood Wax Museum and shit like--
Everyone builds on the strip,
all these little tourist traps
before you get to your main destination.
This Burger King looked at the strip, and was like, "Fuck it.
We're gonna build over there."'
And they went to a street buried behind another street
where you can't even fucking see it from Knott's Berry Farm.
So there's no chance of you driving into Knott's Berry Farm
going like, "l feel like a Whopper, man.
Where's the nearest Burger King??"'
You'd be like, "While we're here...
Fuck it. Let's just go to the park."'
You would never see this joint.
Ironically, from the Burger King you can see Knott's Berry Farm.
It was like a dude was so fucking confident,
he's just like, "l don't need to build it "near Knott's Berry Farm.
"It's Burger King. They'll fucking come.
"So I'm gonna build it over there where it's cheaper.
And watch, watch them flock."'
And he built this massive fucking parking lot around it
the size of two fucking football fields.
Little Burger King, huge parking lot,
as if he was just like,
"Build a lot of parking, 'cause they're coming.
"We need as much parking as Knott's Berry Farm
because everyone loves a fucking Whopper."'
And then it went out of business.
Slowly went out of business and shit.
Left this Burger King to fucking rot.
We were like, "Can we have it?.
And they're like, "We're gonna knock it down, build condos.
But if you can get it done
in a month and a half, it's yours."'
Gave it to us real inexpensively.
Went in, turned the place into Mooby's.
That's where we shot most of the flick.
But when we were scouting out the joint,
I saw that there's a fucking motel right next to it.
Days lnn Motel.
I was like, "This is kinda pimp,"
because I saw a sign that said "Rooms $40 a Night."'
And I was like, "40 fucking dollars??"'
How horrible must it be in there?.
40 bucks doesn't buy you a lot and shit, but 40 bucks--
that just sounds like a hooker hotel to me.
The kind of place where you're like, "I'll give you 20 bucks for half an hour,"
and they're like, "Sold."'
So, we were there-- it was me and Scott Mosier and Laura Greenlee.
And I was just like, "Laura, you know
how we get the trailers for the actors
"to hang out in between takes and shit like that?.
You know, the two-bangers--"
These two little kind of apartments
and this trailer thing.
"What if we just got rooms at the Days lnn
because it's only 40 bucks a night.
"lf you did the math,
is that roughly gonna be what it would cost us
to rent those trailers for a month and shit??"'
She's like, "Let me run some numbers."'
She ran some numbers, she was like,
"We can get a bunch of rooms.
"lt would be roughly aggregate the cost
of what it would be to rent some two-bangers
and some trailers and shit like that."'
She's going, "Plus, if we're getting a bunch of rooms,
they'll probably give us a discount."'
So she went over there, talked to them and shit.
They wound up giving us the rooms essentially for $20 a night.
So it turned out we were going to go to the Days lnn and shit.
So I was talking to Mewes about it.
Mewes was living with us at the time.
And he said, "Are we getting our own trailers this time,
- or are we in two-bangers?. - What??"'
I said, "No, dude. We're getting hotel rooms."'
He's like, "Hotel rooms??"'
And I was like, "Well, technically it's a motel because you drive up to it.
"Hotel-- there's a building, you enter,
take an elevator up to your room
"and shit like that, they put a mint on your pillow.
"Motel is just like you and the hooker pull up,
"open your door right off your car, get inside,
"close the fucking dirty curtain,
and do your horrible Shecky-like business."'
So, um, I was like, "Yeah, it's a motel."'
And he's like, "Do I get my own room??"'
I was like, "Yeah,
you'll totally get your own room and shit."'
He was like, "That's awesome."'
So I was packing up my shit, brought my DVD player,
a bunch of DVDs, all my clothes and shit,
because my plan was I was going to live down in Buena Park during the week,
shoot the movie, and on weekends come home and shit like that.
Just didn't want to fight traffic back and forth every morning.
Also, we decided to take one of the motel rooms
and set it up as the editing bay--
bring the Avid editing system down there, set it up,
so between takes and at the end of the day,
I can just go edit the movie.
And it operated as a little studio and shit.
The little fake movies next to the real Days lnn
and you could take a 30-second walk from one to the other.
So I was packed up and ready to go and shit,
and I told Mewes, "I'm going down the night before and shit."'
He's like, "Can I go with you??"'
And I was like, "l guess,
but you don't shoot for the first week."'
He's like, "But I wanna go get situated."'
And I was like, "All right. Right on."'
So I fucking come out of my room and shit, bring all my shit downstairs,
there's fucking Mewes sitting on a pile of his shit at the front door,
Iike a child at Christmas.
He's like, "You ready??"'
And I was like, "Yeah, dude.
What, are you going to follow me down??"'
He's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna bring my car and shit.
I'm all packed."'
I was like, "What?.
"You're taking this awfully seriously, dude.
"It's a Days lnn Motel.
I don't want you to get your hopes up."'
He's like, "No. I'm fucking psyched, dude.
This is gonna be awesome. It's like going to camp."'
I was like, "Right on."'
So we went down, drove down to Buena Park.
It was at night, so there was no traffic and shit,
got in, got our room keys, fucking loaded up.
You know, unloaded the car, brought the shit to our rooms.
He opens his door, he's like, "This is amazing."'
And he loaded his shit in his room and shit.
And then I was-- immediately went about taking the sheets off
and fucking putting my sheets on because I don't want to sleep
on the sheets everybody came on.
I want to sleep on my sheets that I came on.
So I'm unpacking, trying to hook up my DVD player,
and there's a fucking knock at the door.
I open it up, and it's Mewes,
and he's like, "You wanna go to Target??"'
I was like, "It's 9::00 at night."'
He's like, "l know, but l need some home furnishings."'
I was like, "l guess. I could pick up some toothpaste."'
And so he was like, "Let's rock it. Let's go."'
So we drove to the Target,
which is down the street and shit,
and I grabbed a fucking hand basket
because I didn't need much.
Mewes grabbed two fucking carts,
bungeed them together and shit,
and just started fucking shopping like he was on a game show
and he had to fill two cartons in two minutes,
you know, to win the grand prize.
The dude just went nuts just going down aisles, like,
"Need this, need this, need this."'
Just buying fucking everything.
Dude bought a fucking rubber plant.
You know, motel rooms come with rubber plants.
He wanted a better one.
You ever go to Target
and see the bad wall art that they sell,
and you're like, "Who the fuck would buy it??"'
Mewes bought two paintings.
And I use the term loosely.
He just bought some fucking wall art,
bought a bunch of shit.
The weirdest thing I saw him buy was incense.
I was like, "What's that for?.
To take the fucking reeking stench out of the room??"'
And he's just like, "No, man. It's just to find my center."'
Got back to the fucking place and shit.
Mewes' bill was really fucking high.
It was $300 worth of shit the dude bought.
He went to work on his room,
I went to work setting up my DVD player again.
Knocks on the door. He's like, "You wanna come see my pad??"'
I was like, "Right on."'
Walked down the hallway and he had turned it into--
Remember the episode of The Brady Bunch
where Greg got, you know...
got his own pad and shit?.
It was that minus the fucking love beads.
Open the door and shit,
and he's got his fucking music playing,
he's got his incense burning, fucking new wall art,
a rubber plant and shit like that,
fucking set up his TV and whatnot.
He just changed it around and shit.
It was like an apartment without a kitchen.
And he was so fucking happy and proud with it and shit.
And I was like, "l just want to remind you, dude.
You don't shoot until next week."'
He's like, "l know. But look, I'm done."'
As if the feng shui really fucking mattered.
He had to get that right
before he could concentrate on being like, "Uh, okay.
Good-bye, horses," you know.
So I spent that night--
I'm like, you know, I really should watch Clerks
before I start shooting Clerks II
because I hadn't watched it in a while.
So I popped that in, stayed up till about 4 in the morning
watching that and trying to see where my head space was then
versus where it is now, and do we try to make it look like that or not?.
You know, just kind of like the last minute before the new movie began,
just kind of engrossing myself in the old movie.
And so I slept for about two hours, call time was 6.
Fucking... knock at the door and shit.
Fucking stumbled to the door,
opened it up, and there is Mewes,
who's not working that day or that whole fucking week,
bright eyed and bushy tailed.
He's like, "Good morning! You want a breakfast burrito??"'
I was like, "No, dude. I'm good.
What are you doing up??"'
He's like, "I'm up, man.
The truck's here, the food's out there.
They got some coffee. You want some coffee??"'
I was like, "No, dude. I'm fine.
"l don't drink coffee.
I don't-- What the fuck are you doing awake??"'
He's like, "It's day one, man. Day one on Clerks II.
I'll see you down there."' Fucking pumps away, just...
Just a fucking cheerleader.
And fucking, you know,
I finally took a shower and stumbled downstairs,
get to the set, say hi to everybody and shit.
Mewes is greeting people he's never met before.
"How are you?. I'm Jason Mewes.
I'll be playing the role of Jay."'
You know, as if--
The cats are like, "We've seen the movies, dude.
We know who you are."'
But he was just so fucking invigorated,
just so fucking rah-rah and shit like that,
and remained that way through
most of the fucking time we were shooting and whatnot,
and really took his apartment seriously.
In a big, bad way, dude went back to Target,
bought himself a chair.
Like a chaise longue kind of chair that you take to the beach
and spread out and sit there and catch waves?.
He set it up in front of his room.
And basically, we had these rooms on the second floor of the motel,
and they overlooked the parking lot or the Mooby's, and we did that because
we didn't want anybody coming on their vacation or going to Knott's Berry Farm
going, "What the fuck is going on?. Why is that dude's dick tucked back??"'
Just so that there'd be no lookie-lous and nobody to have to explain shit to.
So Mewes is on the second floor with this fucking chair
outside his fucking motel room door, hanging out.
Just hanging out, smoking cigarettes, talking to people as they walk by.
"Hey. How are you?. What are you doing today?.
I'm playing Jay in the movie Clerks II. "
Dude went and got himself a hibachi, a little hibachi.
As if he'd watched every TV show about people who buy their first house
and was like, "l need a chair outside, and I need a barbecue grill."'
And even though we had catering on the set, the dude sat there with his little hibachi,
fucking heated it up and shit, and would make fucking food for the cast and crew.
Fucking insane, you know?. Just really weird behavior.
If I hadn't known better, I would been like, "What are you, on heroin??"'
But I knew he wasn't anymore.
But he would be sitting up there, and you'd be down directing and shit.
He'd be up on the second floor of the motel and shit, fucking cooking
and be like, "You want a dog?. You want a dog?. You want a burger?.
Burger, burger, dog?. Coming up."'
Whip 'em down to you. Just a real fucking go-getter.
All about it and so fucking energetic, and really pumped everybody else up.
He would organize activities when the day was done and shit.
On most movies, people are done shooting, they want to go home and shit.
Mewes would organize poker games.
Fucking one night, he was like, "We all have to go out to Medieval Times.
You're paying, but we all have to go."'
Just way into it. Way into the whole Clerks II fucking experience
and way into his fucking apartment,
was dreading when we were fucking gonna wrap the show
because we were there, essentially, for about three,
three and a half weeks, four weeks of shooting.
Then we would wrap and go to Jersey to shoot for about a week
of all the exteriors of Quick Stop and shit like that.
So we were getting close to the end of the shoot.
And I remember talking to him and just being like,
"You know we're out of here soon. Did you start packing??"'
He's like, "What do you mean??"'
I was like, "Well, we have to leave.
When we're done, we're leaving."'
He was like, "Really??"'
I was like, "Well, you didn't think you could stay here, did you??"'
He was like, "Can you buy these places??"'
I was like, "What,
take the fucking motel condo or something??"'
I said, "You don't even have a kitchen in this motherfucker."'
He said, "l got a hot plate.
Plus, there's a fucking Mooby's right next door."'
So he's like, "Here I can fuck anybody I want and shit.
I could do things that l can't do back at your house.
I don't have to ask anybody for permission and shit like that."'
He said, "l just like it here."'
And he's like, "What do you think?.
Can I just get this place?.
How much do you think it would be a month??"'
And I said, "You want to rent this place like an apartment??"'
I was like, "You could probably get an apartment
"back in Los Angeles
for roughly what you would pay for this.
Maybe it wouldn't be-- You'd have a bathroom.
"You'd have to deal with the fact
that you had a kitchen."'
But he was like, "l don't know.
"I'm kinda thinking about staying.
"I'm used to it. I kind of like it.
"This is my home now, and I kind of--
I got my groove on in this joint."'
I was like, "Well, I guess you can ask.
The problem is it becomes expensive once we leave."'
He's like, "What are you talking about?.
I thought you said it's 20 bucks a night."'
And I was, "It's 20 bucks a night now
because we paid for a bunch of rooms
because the production's here,
because we took up at least 20 rooms.
But once we leave, it goes back to its normal price."'
And he's like, "Well, how much is it normally??"'
And I was like, "It's 40 bucks a night."'
"40 bucks a night for this shit hole?.
Fuck it! Let's go."'
So that was cool. During the making of that movie,
he was just a real fucking spirit bunny and shit like that.
It was kind of charming.
And then we were done with the movie.
Of all the little problems,
there was nothing insurmountable and shit.
We wrapped the flick,
we showed Har vey Weinstein the movie,
and Har vey was like, "l just got two notes."'
He's going, "l think it's really funny,
but I got two notes."'
He's going, "You show Rosario kind of like, from here up."'
I was like, "We shot her in cowboy, cut her off at the knees."'
He's like, "Did you ever shoot her from head-to-toe??"'
And I was like, "Well, no. Not really,
"because they're not really doing that much of a dance."'
He's like, "Well, you got to shoot her head-to-toe.
"That's how you shoot a dancer.
"You got to see their full body. Shoot a dancer head-to-toe.
"I'll put you on the phone with Rob Marshall.
"He made Chicago. He'll tell you the same thing."'
And I was like,
what an awkward call that would be.
I'm like, "Hi, is this Rob Marshall??"'
He's like, "Yeah, is this Clerks guy??"'
I'm like, "Yeah."'
He's like, "Well, you're supposed to show a dancer
"from head-to-toe."'
"Look, I got to go, bye."' You know?.
Such a bizarre fucking phone call I'd have to sit through.
I was like, "l don't know if we should.
I was like, "Honestly, they're not doing much of a dance."'
She's wearing fucking, like, cords.
So, what you're seeing from the knee down
isn't that fucking sexy.
It's not like they're wearing outfits
Iike they wore in Chicago, bare-legged and shit.
She wearing fucking cords.
I said, "We're seeing the real important part of the scene."'
The true money, as it were, and whatnot.
It's not like she's doing some wicked shuffle
with her feet that we're missing.
He's like, "l think you should re-shoot.
"l think you should shoot her head-to-toe."'
I was like, "l guess we could talk about it.
"What's the other thing??"'
He's like, "There's that conversation about the pussy troll."'
I said, "Yeah, yeah. Fucking pillow pants."'
He's like, "Yeah, pillow pants."'
He's going, "l really think--
"You have this whole conversation about this thing,
"and they're sitting there talking.
"l really think you need to show that thing."'
And I was like, "You do know they don't exist, right??"'
He's like, "Yes, I fucking know they don't exist.
"But you can't just sit there
"and have a fucking conversation about a pussy troll
"and not show it.
"They sit there for two minutes talking about this thing,
"and we never get to see it.
"That's just bad cinema.
"You need to put it in there, particularly for Europeans.
"They want to see shit.
"They don't want to hear you talking about a pussy troll.
"You got to fucking shoot a pussy troll
and put it in that movie."'
I was like, "l don't know how the fuck we're expected to do that
"because it doesn't exist."'
The reason that scene works
is because whoever is watching the movie,
first, they have an idea in their head of what a pussy troll is.
And their idea is going to be way better
than anything I could show them because in their head,
they can make up all sorts of weird nonsense and shit.
I put it out there--
What am I going to do, shove it out like one of those troll dolls?.
Be like, "This is a pussy troll."'
With my hand holding it on camera and shit?.
It would look like that scene in Spiderman,
where Spiderman and the Green Goblin
are on the top of the building talking to one another.
You got two dudes, you can't see their mouths.
They're just wearing masks. They're just talking like this.
It just looks like people were holding action figures.
Going, like, "Join me, Spiderman,
"so we can be fucking cool buds."'
"l don't want to do that, Green Goblin."'
So, I was just like, "l just don't--
"The reason I feel like that scene works is
"you have two guys in that scene.
"There's one guy in the scene who, with all of his heart,
"believes that there is such a thing as a pussy troll.
"And then you have the other guy,
"who represents everybody else in the world,
"just reacting to him the way that most people would.
"Just like fucking shell-shocked, you know,
"jaw dropped, like, 'This dude's fucking insane."
"That's what's funny about lt.
"The minute you show it,
"you're lending credence to the first guy
"because there's a small portion of the audience that's like,
"'God damn it, is that what a pussy troll is??"
"You run the risk of lending the idiot credibility.
"So I don't think you should show it."'
He's like, "I'm going to demand you show it.
"You should fucking do it.
"I'm going to make you do it and give you the money.
"You need to show it. I think it'll make it even funnier."'
So he left, and me and Mosier were really sweating it,
Iike, "What the fuck do we do, man?.
"l don't want to show the pussy troll.
"It's funny because you don't show the pussy troll.
"It's just chatter, something to fucking talk about."'
I was like, "Maybe we just fucking dress up Mewes as a troll."'
"And just build a giant wooden labia around him.
"Just have him sit under it, going like--"
And, you know, Mosier's all laid back, smooth.
He's like, "Could work."'
So I hit up Mewes, I was like,
"Dude, we might need "to go back and do a little re-shooting."'
He's like, "What??"'
I was like, "We're going to need to shoot the pussy troll."'
He was like, "Those things exist??"'
I was like, "No."'
I was like, "But we might need
"to dress you up like a pussy troll,
"and then fucking paint you green.
"Put a little fucking tutu on you, and a mean face,
"and fucking teeth, fangs, and weird hair.
"And build a giant wooden pussy around you
"to fucking dance in."'
I was like, "We won't hold on it long, just a few seconds."'
He was just like, "I'll do it
if I can keep the giant wooden pussy when you're done."'
Then we were at the fucking premiere.
Mewes comes up to me, goes "Dude, what happened?.
"Wasn't I supposed to play the pussy troll??"'
And I was like, "Yeah, dude,
but didn't we ever talk about that?.
"We didn't wind up re-shooting it, obviously.
"You've seen the movie. There's no pussy troll in it.
"You're not in there as the pussy troll.
"We didn't do it."'
He's like, "No, I get that. It just kind of sucks."'
I was like, "The movie??"'
He's like, "No, but it would have been nice."'
I was like, "You think that would have been funny??"'
He's like, "l just wanted the giant wooden pussy for my--
for the door of my apartment."'
He wanted to just put it right outside his door.
So you'd come, you'd show up, go to knock on the door,
and be like, "l get it.
"He's obviously a fan."'
So, that was just a great fucking experience.
Went to Cannes, got a standing ovation for it,
and it was just a wonderfully wonderful, blessed experience.
Every part of that was fucking great.
How are you, sir?.
I'm pretty good.
Look, you kind of came dressed in costume.
- Thanks. - So did l.
Well, I can't beat that guy's offer, but--
[audience member] Do it!
[audience member] Go!
I read on the boards a while back,
and the guy who asked the first question reminded me about it.
But I heard you had an interesting encounter
with Anakin Skywalker?.
With Anakin Sky--
- Hayden Christensen?. - Yeah.
I did have a moment with Hayden Christensen.
It wasn't really an encounter because I never met the dude.
When we were doing Clerks II,
we put trailers out on the lnternet.
First trailer we did that had dialogue,
not the teaser one,
was that moment where Kevin Weisman,
who played the Lord of the Rings fan,
was doing, "My name is Anakin.
My shitty acting is ruining saga."'
So that was in the trailer.
And we'd fucking mixed, up at Skywalker
ever since Dogma,
before, where we mixed all our movies up there.
So I get a call from somebody at Skywalker,
and they were just like, "We got a problem."'
I was like, "What is it??"'
They were like, "Hayden Christensen
"saw that trailer for Clerks II online,
and he's pissed."'
And I was like, "Really??"'
They're like, "Yeah, he called up, and he was mad.
"And he was demanding that we sue you."'
I was like, "Why??"'
He was like, "Because you made fun of him,
and he feels like it made him look bad."'
I was like, "l wrote a fucking stellar review
"of Attack of the Clones, man.
Didn't he ever see that??"'
I was all for that dude.
Other people attacked him, said he was a whiny emo kid.
But I said that was what the role called for.
I thought he was great.
I was like, "Why is he fucking mad at me?.
Doesn't he know I'm a big Star Wars fan?.
He was like, "He fucking felt like you went after him.
"So, he's asking fucking George to sue you.
"But George is like, 'What are you talking about?.
"'You can't sue somebody for making a joke and shit.
"He's making a big stink about it.
"Can you fucking drop him a line,
and tell him something that'll make him feel better??"'
I said, "Yeah."' So I wrote the dude an e-mail
that I sent to this dude at Skywalker.
I said, "Here are links to some nice shit
"l said about his performance in other places.
"But just tell him it's all jokes, dude.
"lf you see the movie in context,
it's very pro Star Wars.
"Randal, who's kind of the hero of the movie,
"is all for fucking Star Wars,
and he doesn't come down
"on fucking Hayden's portrayal of Anakin Skywalker.
"The other dude, who's the guy
"who's made to look like an idiot
"and he fucking pukes
"is a big Lord of the Rings jerk and shit.
"That dude's the dude saying the bad shit.
"l understand we're trying to have our cake and eat it too.
"But, at the end of the day, Randal's kind of for him,
"although he never says he is,
"But he's anti Rings,
"so that makes him pro fucking Star Wars trilogies. "
The dude's like, "You're really back-pedaling right now."'
I was like, "l kind of am."'
I just never expected this to come out of someone
because it was just so fucked up, so strange.
Darth Vader,
the biggest bad-ass in the fucking galaxy
is the dude who's like,
"I'm going to sue you for making fun of me."'
I just have this picture of him seeing that trailer
and being like, "No!"
[cheering, applause]
I fucking love me some Revenge of the Sith.
But that was the silliest moment in that movie.
There are things you can attack about that movie
that I'll defend and shit,
but there is no defense against
"No!"
Just because you've never heard Darth Vader be like that.
Even when he loses at the end of Empire Strikes Back,
he's just pimped out on the bridge and shit,
Iooking out the window, like, "I'll get him, sooner or later."'
But fucking to see him break down like a whiny emo bitch,
"No!"
That was kind of indefensible.
But, so, yeah. That was the last I heard about it.
We said we weren't gonna take it out,
Fucking Lucas Films and Skywalker were like,
"We're not asking you to take it out."'
"We think it's funny."'
Plus, they'd seen the movie because we mix there.
They're like, "We get it. You're fucking pro Star Wars.
"Not like you're coming down against it and shit.
"You're just taking a shot and it's a kind of funny shot."'
But that was that.
It's kind of strange, though. Kind of weird.
Now I'm kind of afraid to run into the dude.
Have that mean face on me. And he's a pretty man, too.
He's one of those really pretty dudes.
So if he's looking at me with a mean face,
I'll be like, "You're so cute.
"What can I do to make you smile, Hayden??"'
But that was it. Never met him. Never ran into him.
Just heard that he was a whiny, little fuck
who didn't like us making fun of him.
But, you know, fucking, there were people--
Entourage, a show on HBO,
taking two shots at me in the past.
An episode where they went to Sundance and shit,
where Ari Gold was just like, "lf it weren't for me--"
There was a Har vey Weinstein type character,
- I forget what his name was, but-- - Har vey.
It was Har vey?.
That's some brilliant writing.
He's just like,
"lf it weren't for me, Har vey would be stuck
"making Kevin Smith movies his whole career."'
It was like, ooh, I felt like I got tagged on that one.
But I like that show,
so I was like, "They fucking said my name."'
My wife, she don't like the show. She won't watch it.
But I was like, "You got to fucking look.
"I'm Kevin Smith, man.
And she's like, "They're making fun of you."'
I was like, "l don't care. I like the show.
"They said my name on the fucking TV show."'
I love hearing my name on TV.
I grew up watching TV, so hearing my name on TV,
I'm like, "The magic box said my name."'
[applause]
So they did that once on Entourage,
and then, a couple seasons later, they did it again.
This time, it was a little more.
They tried to jab the knife in a little bit more.
They were talking about--
They were shooting Aquaman 2.
There was a possibility of the main character,
what's his name?.
Vinnie Chase.
Chase, Vincent Chase.
Vince Chase had done Aquaman,
and they wanted to rush the sequel into production.
They were-- He didn't want to do it
because he wanted to shoot the fucking Medellin movie.
And so, they were like,
"Well, it's going, and you got to be in it."'
And he's like, "Who's directing it?.
Because Jim can't be ready--"
Jim Cameron, in Entourage, directed the first one.
He's like, "Jim can't possibly be ready to shoot 2."'
They're like, "Not going with Jim Cameron.
They're going with Michael Bay.
Him and his entourage of buddies were like, "Jesus, no."'
They're like, "Well, who's writing it??"'
They're like, "Kevin's writing it."'
"Like, Kevin Walker?. Andrew Kevin Walker?.
"The dude who wrote Seven?. "
Because he wrote the imaginary Aquaman in the movie.
"ls Kevin writing it??"' They're like, "Kevin Smith."'
And they're like, "Fuck."'
At that moment,
I was just like, "They said my name, man.
"That I was fucking writing Aquaman 2 and shit."'
My wife, again, was like, "You're a fucking idiot, man.
"They're mocking you, you fucking fool."'
I was like, "What??"' And I rewound it.
I was like, "Oh, I'm never working with fucking Vincent Chase, ever."'
But I took that in stride.
I thought that was kind of a cool thing.
Every knock is a fucking boost,
as long as they fucking get your name kind of right.
Even if they were like, "Kevin Smith,
"he fucking takes nine cocks in the ass,
"three in the mouth, you know?.
"One under each armpit, and does this."'
I'd be like, "They said my fucking name!"
So, you know, I've been made fun of.
Didn't fucking-- I didn't call up fucking HBO,
Iike, "I'm canceling my subscription."'
I immediately called up my agent.
I was like, "Get me on Entourage, dude,
"so I can bitch-slap Ari Gold."'
[audience member] Yeah.
Ran into Jeremy Piven
at the lndependent Spirit Awards--
not this year, but last year.
Said hi, he said hi. We chit-chatted for a second.
Never once, was I like,
"Hey, man, why'd you make fun of me??"'
I was like, "Right on.
"You guys said my name. That's fucking cool."'
So I don't understand why Hayden got all out of sorts about it.
The weird thing about Entourage, though,
is people do think that show is fucking real.
They fucking believe it, like, you read about and shit.
Because I had people coming up to me for the next six months,
going, "Dude, you're doing Aquaman 2.
"That's awesome."'
And I would be like,
"Do you remember seeing Aquaman 1?.
So I don't know.
Didn't know why that dude got out of sorts, but he did.
Hopefully, that's in the past.
[applause]
Hey, Kevin.
When's Affleck going to do SModcast?.
Affleck on SModcast?.
And be candid.
[cheering, applause]
He'd be good, man.
Because he's good on the fucking commentary--
Would he be candid, though?.
Talk about some real shit, with J-Lo and Gwyneth?.
- Oh, he'll never do that. - No.
You won't get that. That Affleck's gone, man.
That Affleck is there, in private.
If you talk to him and shit,
he's still fucking same old Affleck.
But publicly, that Affleck hasn't existed in quite some time.
The one who's really candid,
and he's just like, "Let me tell you who I hate."'
Because it used to be fun. We'd just do it together.
He'd read my inter views, I'd read his.
I'd be like, "That's awesome.
You fucking dropped science
and fucking called this person a fool and shit like that.
That dude's gone.
The public face of that dude.
You just can't do it anymore.
I can get out there and be like, "This person's a jackass."'
And the only people that read about it are people online.
Affleck calls somebody a jackass,
it winds up in every fucking trade publication.
It winds up in the rags and the fucking tabloids.
It winds up fucking everywhere,
Top story, Entertainment Tonight.
"Affleck called somebody a jackass."'
"Affleck at war, day 1."'
But I remember that transition.
I remember watching him give an inter view,
and I was like, "Dude, what happened?.
"You're not dropping any cool fucking stories.
"That one story about this dude.
"You should tell that story. That's fucking funny."'
He's like, "l can't do that anymore, dude."'
"It's just, I'm too high-profile.
"lf I say something about somebody,
"I'm going to get in trouble, I'm going to hear about it.
"There's no end to the fucking problems.
"l got to write an apology note. Fuck that.
"I'm just not into it anymore."'
So, I do kind of miss that dude.
When we were doing Jersey Girl, we did a--
No, no, no. That was not a pause for applause.
I was wiping sweat off my nose.
It wasn't like, "When we did Jersey Girl"--
That was me pausing to go, "When we did Jersey Girl"--
Jesus Christ, I'm so hot.
We were promoting the flick,
and we did an inter view with--
What's the chick's name?.
She does the CBS News now?.
Katie Couric.
I'm getting old, dude. 37, you forget shit.
Katie Couric was on the Today Show at the time.
She sat down for an exclusive with Affleck.
and they shoehorned me into that inter view.
It was so uncomfortable because I'm like,
"This broad don't want to talk to me."'
She just wants to talk to the famous dude.
But I guess it was a 2 for 1 deal.
Or he was like, "l ain't doing it by myself.
You got to be there to fucking deflect,
so it's not all about Jennifer Lopez and shit.
So, we're sitting there, doing the inter view.
I remember, the inter view is kind of very facile and superficial
and polite and nice.
And he's kind of, "Aw, shucks."'
And I'm not saying this in a way of, like,
he should have fucking come out with fucking guns blazing.
But it was just like,
what a waste of time for everybody
I certainly didn't want to be there.
I know that broad didn't want me there.
He wanted me there because he didn't want to do it by himself,
but he didn't want to do it in the first place.
But he had to do it to promote the movie.
Nothing good comes out of this.
It's not like you have a real fucking chat
and fucking cool shit comes out, and you're like,
"What a fascinating fucking inter view.
"Yes, he torpedoed his career,
"but it was a great inter view."'
It was just so fucking stupid and shit.
But I also remember thinking,
if he gave this broad half an inch,
she would suck the fucking balls off of his body.
She was so into him, man.
Like, everything he said, she was like--
I was like, "This is a newswoman,
Iike a hardcore journalist."'
And she's just like, "You're cute, you know that??"'
And he's like, "Stop it."'
She's like, "You are adorable, Ben Affleck."'
I'm like, "Haven't you spoken to fucking sitting presidents
"and fucking Kissinger and shit like that?.
"And you're just blowing this dude because he's famous.
And, yeah, he's handsome, but still, you know,
Iike, show some fucking dignity, man."'
And I remember, we were doing some B-roll
of us walking along the boardwalk in Asbury Park.
It was, literally--
Again, I'm breathing.
It was literally like being the third wheel on somebody's date.
kind of walking and talking and shit."'
And those two were walking.
She was linked arms with him and shit like that.
And I was the fat friend just following behind.
[Man] Hey, how's it going?.
Why does Mewes call you Moves?.
Why does Mewes call me Moves?.
There was a time, believe it or not,
when I fucked more people than Jason Mewes.
It was a long, long time ago.
Because when I started hanging out with Mewes,
he was a virgin, and he was like, "I'm straight-edge, dude.
"No booze, no drugs, no chicks."'
I was like, "l don't remember
"that being part of the straight-edge code, dude."'
The last part, and shit.
He was all kind of shy around chicks and whatnot.
Finally, he started getting laid, later in life.
Then once he started fucking, he never stopped.
Dude's fucked a lot of people.
I remember talking to him after he got out of rehab
the last time he went to rehab.
And he was at my house for about a month.
Every day, I would talk to him after he got out,
and I'd just be like, "How do you feel?. How you feeling?.
"Do you feel like you want to use drugs?.
"Are you tempted?.
Have you come across anybody that's offering you drugs??"'
And he could just talk to me. Just always talking it out.
So he can kind of put it on Front Street.
It was the one month anniversary of him getting out of rehab.
He'd been clean and sober for a month.
He was staying at my house.
And he was going out quite actively at night.
Just going out and partying and shit.
But not doing drugs.
He would go out to clubs with his friends.
It was him, and Jack Osbourne,
and this dude Mike McGinnis, and this dude Milo.
They would go out and shit and go to clubs,
go to the Spider Club.
Everyone around him would be drinking.
They'd be drinking Red Bull and shit.
Red Bull really should change their campaign to
"lf you just quit heroin, Red Bull's for you."'
Because I swear to God,
Mewes drank more fucking Red Bull
than I've seen anyone drink of any liquid in my fucking life.
Just like-- [imitates pop top opening]
Just bangin' them. And I was like, "Dude, how--"
I watched him drink two six-packs of Red Bull.
They come in four-packs,
but I don't know how he did it.
In the span of 20 minutes.
I'm like, "Dude, how does your heart not fucking explode??"'
He's like, "Come on, dude.
I fucking used to do heroin."'
I was like, "l guess you're right."'
So him and his boys would go out
and go to clubs and shit, and go dancing.
They would hang around people who drank and did drugs--
They didn't do drugs, but they drank at clubs.
And he wouldn't partake in shit.
They called their little group "Project Falcon,"
which is a little gay, but...
They'd be like "We like to go to clubs
"and act a fool and shit like that and dance and mack on girls.
"But we just don't need to drink to do it and shit."'
They all moved in together.
When he finally moved out of my house, he moved in with those dudes.
They called it the Falcons' Nest.
A little gay.
But anyway, we're talking to him
one month out of rehab,
I was like, "So how do you feel, dude?.
It's been one month. What's it been like for you??"'
He's like, "It's been pretty-- it's been pretty good."'
"l feel okay. It doesn't seem to affect me.
"l was afraid I'd come out of rehab
and wouldn't do things I used to.
"But I do, I just don't do drugs, and I don't drink.
"l can still hang out with my friends.
And since they're clean, it all works out and shit."'
I said, "How is it with you and the girls??"'
"Because I imagine girls are drinking,
and you fucking kiss girls,
"and they've had booze on their fucking breath.
"Do you get a taste for it?. And you're like--
"Like the shark in Finding Nemo?. "
So he's like, "No, it's like, basically, I kiss them.
"Sometimes I taste booze in their mouth.
"lt doesn't make me want to eat their head or something.
"But it doesn't make me want to drink or anything."'
I was like, "How is the girl situation?.
"How you been doing in that department since you got out??"'
He's like, "That's where I'm having a bit of a problem."'
I was like, "It's tough getting back in the saddle, right??"'
He's like, "The opposite, dude."'
I was like, "What do you mean??"'
He's like, "I've been out for 30 days, I've had sex with 28 different girls."'
Damn!
I was like, "Get the fuck out of here, man!
How is that fucking possible??"'
He's just like, "l don't know.
Chicks just dig the Mewes, man."'
But there was a time in his life where he was not the guy.
He was the guy who didn't know how to fuck broads,
and didn't fuck any chicks at all.
And I would tell him about my limited experiences and stories,
and he would be like, "God damn it. You got the moves, man."'
Like I knew what I was doing.
Years later, he put me to shame with his fucking numbers.
I got a few notches on my bedpost.
He's got no more bedpost, it's whittled down
from fucking multiple notches.
It's real weird because he gets tight when you talk about it.
Now he's in a relationship.
Mewes has been dating this girl Jordan for a while now.
And he's like-- he might as well be married and shit.
Called him up when he moved into his new apartment last year.
I said "Dude, we're doing a signing at the store.
You coming down??"'
He's like, "l can't."' I was like, "Why not??"'
He's like, "I'm waiting on a stove delivery."'
And I just flashed to that dude, you know,
that I've known for 1 6 fucking years.
Last thing in the world
I thought would ever come out of his mouth.
Wouldn't have been nearly a surprise if he was like,
"Moves, I just want to suck your dick just once."'
I would have been like, "That makes sense to me."'
Hearing that dude go "I'm waiting on a stove delivery."'
Never in a fucking million years did I expect to hear that from him.
So he's pretty fucking married now.
So when you talk about his fucking numbers,
he's like, "Dude, just don't talk about that
"because it makes me look like a slut."'
And I was like, "And??"'
"That's what you was, sir."'
He's like, "Not anymore. Now, I'm good."'
I was like, "Right on."'
But that's why he used to call me "Moves."'
- Thank you. - Thank you, sir.
[applause]
My question is if you could ever do a remake of a movie,
what movie would it be, and why?.
I don't think I'm that guy.
There's one that I thought about.
Not redoing it myself, but I thought that--
Man For All Seasons is one of my favorite movies.
It was made in the '60s, and not a lot of people have seen it.
One of the best movies ever made.
It won an Oscar, Best Picture.
But a lot of people aren't familiar with it.
Now, there's such a stellar pool of British acting talent
that's world-renowned,
that everybody knows and recognizes,
I always thought, Wow, it'd be cool
to remake that movie now with a bunch of British actors and stuff.
But why bother?. The first one was fucking great.
Paul Scofield is brilliant in that movie.
Robert Shaw is brilliant as Henry Vl I l.
Why bother?.
The only reason to do it
is to get people to take another look at that play.
But they could always just read the play.
It's a tough call.
There's one-half of the equation where I look at
the Man For All Seasons thing,
and that'd be kind of interesting.
Alan Rickman as fucking Thomas More.
How pimp is that, man?.
You get Tim Roth or Gary Oldman as the young Henry Vlll.
And you get Helen Mirren as Alice, his wife.
Not King Henry's wife, but Thomas More's wife.
Could be a pimp film, but first off,
they wouldn't let me make that movie.
You get in the room.
I mean Alan Rickman might vouch for me, but he'd be like,
"He loves to do butt-fucking jokes.
You'll have to excuse him."'
That's my Alan Rickman.
He does that a lot.
But no, nothing that I want to see-- that I want to remake.
But I'll go watch remakes of movies, totally.
That's why I like sequels and shit.
I loved doing Die Hard, I loved being in it.
But I love seeing Die Hard,
even if somebody else had played that part.
I'm like, "John McClane's back. That's fucking awesome."'
- [applause] - Totally.
I would watch-- I would watch a movie every year
with John McClane in it.
Just because I like that character, man,
they keep bringing characters back.
Even when they made Batman & Robin
and everyone was like, "This sucks!
And everyone's skating around. It's gay".
I'm like, "It's fucking Batman, dude!"
Like, if this is as good as it gets, fine.
At least I get to see some dude in fucking ears and shit,
even if he whips out the Bat Credit Card,
Iike I'm-- I'm fucking there for it and shit.
Superman, you know, when they announced Superman Returns,
I was fucking all up in it and shit.
I was like, "Guy who made X-Men
is going to make Superman?. "
That's fucking brilliant.
I'm there with fucking bells on and shit.
You know, if somebody had told
in the beginning of the summer,
that summer when the movie came out,
that you're going to like X-Men 3 better than Superman Returns,
I'd be like, "You're out of your fucking mind, dude!"
Come on, Ratner versus fucking Singer.
Singer all the way.
And I saw both movies, and I'm like,
"Brett Ratner is a fucking genius, because..."'
Superman Returns was fucking boring, man.
It was a really boring movie.
And I'm not--
And I'm not, like, talking to some dude who's like, "I'm better than Bryan Singer."'
Look, Bryan Singer is a better filmmaker than me.
Fucking throw a rock, you'll hit a better filmmaker than me,
but that movie was fucking boring, I don't care.
Bryan Singer is a very talented man,
but he made a very fucking boring movie.
And I can salute him to the degree that,
you know, he obviously got to make
the exact fucking version of a Superman movie,
he wanted to do.
He had built up enough credibility with X-Men 2.
They fucking fired, 200, 250 million dollar budget at him.
And he's like, "Fuck it, I'm going to make the art house version of Superman".
The whiny, emo Superman movie.
You know, where nobody--
Superman doesn't throw a single fucking punch.
Like you're going to sit there.
Remember the first movie,
where you would believe a man can fly.
This movie is going to be
"You won't believe how fucking boring this man is."'
It was fucking astounding to me.
I was like, I couldn't fucking believe it
because I remember reading like,
he's dovetailing off of Superman 2.
Like he's honoring the Donner versions of Superman.
So Superman 1 and Superman 2,
which Donner didn't direct but kind of directed
because a lot of the stuff was in his version of Superman,
that he was going to do.
So I was like, "That's fucking genius, man!"
So the reference to Kryptonian criminals,
it'll be kind of set in that world.
and yeah, it won't be Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder anymore,
but, I mean, the guy they got to play Superman
Iooked just like Christopher Reeve,
except, you know, he wasn't in a wheelchair and shit.
[audience groans]
[scattered applause]
Why-- Why is that boo?.
I wasn't mocking him.
Is that dude in a wheelchair or not?.
I rest my fucking case.
He's dead.
Six feet under!
Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that part.
Because in my heart,
Christopher Reeve's still alive.
[audience members] Whoo!
He did, he looked just like Christopher Reeve,
minus the wheelchair or the casket, whatever.
But he looked like him.
My point is he fucking looked like him.
Stop booing. What am l, Mulder?.
You're like "Ooh."'
I thought it was going to be awesome, man,
and then I saw it, and I was like,
"This is fucking eight kinds of not awesome".
Just wait and everyone was just like,
"Oh, wait till he fucking saves the shuttle,
the shuttle scene is brilliant and shit."'
It was all right, but it wasn't-- it wasn't all that.
It was just, I had big problems with that movie.
Aside from being bored, it was just like,
you could drive fucking plot holes--
trucks through the plot holes in that movie.
it just didn't make sense,
and yet Lex Luthor-- yet again, brilliant criminal mind--
it was just like, "l got a real estate scam," you know.
It was like some Midwestern huckster,
which I guess he kind of is,
because Smallville's supposed to be in what, Kansas?.
So he is in the Midwest.
And he is a huckster.
Well, I guess they were right.
But come on, dude.
Like yet again, another real estate scam.
Superman 1, 2 and Superman Returns,
the dude is always just like, "Land!"
You know, it's like, Lex Luthor in the comics
is much more pimp than that.
More sinister.
But the thing that bugged the fuck out of me about the movie
is they made a very big deal about connecting it to Superman 2.
Like, presumably,
the chronology of the movie goes--
Superman beats Zod, you know, and his compatriots.
and then takes off, you know, not immediately after.
but takes off into space
to go look for other Kryptonians.
That's what we learn in Superman Returns.
End of Superman 2, he kisses Lois Lane,
and she forgets everything that happened,
which is fucked up
because Superman doesn't really have that superpower in the comics.
But if you try arguing that with people,
they're like, "Hey, dude, Superman doesn't exist and...
any of the superpowers he has in the comics
don't happen in real life, either."'
For some reason, you can make a better argument about, like,
"A dude can do this and take off into the air"
than a dude kissing somebody